Subconscious
by Lori2279
Summary: After his little conversation with Michael, Carter gets a visitor. Update. I gave Carter another visit from his favorite specter.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Subconscious  
  
Author: Lori  
  
Email: soap_queen@hotmail.com  
  
Category: Angst/Standalone  
  
Spoilers: 'Be Still My Heart/All in the Family', 'Day For Knight' 'The Student' 'On The Beach' 'Calling Dr. Hathaway', 'Such Sweet Sorrow', 'Impulse Control' (Not necessarily in that order)  
  
A/N: Carter's been pissing me off all season. That said, last night was kind of my final straw so this is my venting. That and my other ER story 'Changes' which I swear I'm going to update soon.  
  
"And you're perfect, right Carter?" She stood in a gown of white, her hair framing her face.  
  
"Go away," he turned away from her.  
  
"Can't. Not until you wake up and even then I'll probably be there in your head. Haven't I always been?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Who's lying now? Oh, wait. I forgot, it's okay for you to lie, make mistakes, and push people away but God forbid anyone else do it, right?"  
  
"I'm waking up now."  
  
"Nah. You're tired. You've had a long day and it's a long flight. Besides the in-flight movie sucks. Should've chartered a plane."  
  
"I don't want to dream anymore. I especially don't want to dream about you."  
  
"Why not? Afraid of me? I'm dead Carter. There's nothing for you to be afraid of."  
  
He turned back towards her and pointed at her, "I'm not talking to you anymore."  
  
"What was that patient's name? The one that Dale Edson almost killed by not getting a full history? Gunson? Gunnerson?"  
  
"Gunderson," John said quietly.  
  
"And you don't even like Dale."  
  
"What the hell are you, my conscience?"  
  
"You told Neela to be a shark."  
  
"I wanted her to do her best and stop being so shy."  
  
"You have a thing with water Carter?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, you thought I could swim."  
  
"You misled me."  
  
"And you nearly killed a woman by giving her sulfa. Of course you were high as a kite at the time but people overlooked that fact until Abby told Mark she'd seen you shooting up in a trauma room," she slid down into a sitting position. "He says 'hi' by the way."  
  
"I'd rather he was here."  
  
"Sorry, you don't get to choose the form of your spirit. It's a subconscious thing."  
  
"My problems had their reason. You, of all people, should know that."  
  
"Guilt. You didn't kill me Carter."  
  
"Then why are you here?"  
  
"A reminder. You're not perfect but you expect everyone around you to be. Neela, Abby, Michael, your parents, and lastly, me."  
  
"I knew you weren't perfect."  
  
"Not at the beginning. I like to think we would've gotten past that if I hadn't met the business end of that knife."  
  
"Are we done?"  
  
"That all depends."  
  
"On what?"  
  
"Why do you think I'm here?"  
  
"To remind me that I'm just as big a screw up as Michael and Neela."  
  
"No. To remind you that you are a good teacher John. You just have to remember that Neela's there to be taught. You were on to something with that whole water thing. But you can't throw people into the deep end."  
  
"I was trying to-"  
  
"Make up for past mistakes. Carter, you didn't kill me. You were a good teacher. But stop trying to make every student into your perfect reflection. Everyone's different. Being Peter Benton's student should've taught you at least that, if nothing else."  
  
"Lucy-"  
  
"Don't be sorry. Just stop holding people up to some impossible standard. They always fall. Always."  
  
John nodded.  
  
"You'll wake up soon."  
  
"Will I remember this?"  
  
"I'm hard to forget for you."  
  
"Not funny."  
  
"Not even a little bit. Oh and Carter?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Kem's a skank. I know you think she's perfect for you and that she's given you the something that's been missing in your life but no one falls in love that fast. Watch out for her."  
  
John wanted to argue but some part of him wouldn't let him. He nodded, "Alright. Lucy-"  
  
"I know," she smiled. "I know."  
  
"Will I see you again?"  
  
"Not unless you act like a hypocritical idiot again."  
  
"So, I'll see you soon."  
  
"Probably. Bye John."  
  
"Bye Lucy." 


	2. Chapter 2

"I thought you only came around when I was a hypocritical idiot."  
  
"I shouldn't have said that."  
  
"It's okay. I was." John sighed and looked at the woman sitting on the couch next to him. "So, you're here again?"  
  
"Mark offered. But I wanted to see you. You didn't do anything wrong, you know that right?"  
  
"Kem's leaving."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I guess there really isn't any reason for her to stay anymore."  
  
"You mean besides being married?"  
  
"We got married for a specific reason. That reason's gone now."  
  
"Do you love her?"  
  
"I don't know. I thought I did. I thought she loved me. Maybe we just loved the idea of belonging to a family."  
  
"Do you really believe that?"  
  
"I don't know. She doesn't love me enough to stay and try and I don't love her enough to follow her back to Africa."  
  
"So, you're done playing hero?"  
  
Carter let out a short laugh, "Yeah, for now. I'm done playing hero."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You sounded like Abby just now. I'm sure she's been dying to tell me for months that the only reason I went was to play hero."  
  
"You ran away from home, Carter. That's what you did. That's probably what Abby wants to tell you."  
  
"Not that she's made the effort."  
  
"Carter you took the coward's way out. If I were Abby I'd avoid you at all costs and only speak to you when absolutely necessary. In fact, I'd say you were lucky she didn't try and push you out of a window when you got back. God knows you would have deserved it."  
  
"Thank you Lucy."  
  
"Any time."  
  
"Lucy?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Gallant. Is he going to be okay?"  
  
"Can't say. Sorry."  
  
Carter nodded.  
  
"But you? You're gonna be just fine John. And don't shut down again. 'Cause love? It might just be right around the corner."  
  
"Alright," Carter nodded. "Bye Lucy."  
  
"Bye John." 


	3. Chapter 3

"The on-call room? You couldn't make it home, huh," Lucy smiled at him, her blonde hair shining.

"Old habits die hard," John smiled. "It's good to see you."

"Really? You're almost never glad to see me."

"What can I say? I guess I've been longing for old friends lately. To be honest I was expecting to see you when they put me under for my transplant."

"You didn't need me then. You had Dr. Benton there with you."

"I think you can call him Peter now."

"Oh he'll never be Peter to me."

"Yeah, I guess I understand that."

"You call him Peter," she said.

"It took me years before I could do that. I had to get through med school, residency, drug addiction, and a lot of patients before I could call him Peter and even then it was just to say thank you and goodbye."

"I didn't get that far."

"No feeling sorry for yourself," he told her.

"You know, Dr. Weaver was right before. You did a good thing John."

"Thank you. How's Gallant?"

"He's good. He's happy for Neela and Ray and just really glad she finally got it."

"Yeah," John nodded. "She's where she's supposed to be."

"Yes she is and in case you were wondering, so are you. County is home, John. It's where you belong. You did good things in Africa but now is the time to do good things for the people you know and the city you know and personally, I don't think Rachel could have a better mentor than you."

"I don't know about that."

"You've learned a lot since me and since Neela."

"I hope so."

"Benton, Greene, and Lewis were all good teachers, right?"

"Right."

"So, take the best from each of them to help Rachel and the newest class of med students and interns and residents."

"You make it sound so easy."

"Because it is," she smiled again. "Take the things they taught you about medicine and patience and being there when someone needs to talk and use it to teach the next generations of doctors to use their skills but at the same time make sure that they remember that they're human and mistakes will happen. All they can do is learn from them and try to do better with the next patient that comes through the doors."

"Thanks."

She nodded, "You already started teaching, you know. I bet Julia never forgets to get a fetal monitor again."

"Do you know how much that reminded me of my first day?"

"I have a pretty good idea, yes. And hey, Rachel knows how to start an IV which is more than we could say for ourselves when we started."

"True," John nodded.

"You'll do a good job, John."

"I wish-"

"I wish, too," Lucy smiled. "But don't worry. I'm never far away."

"Yeah, I know."

"Time to wake up, Dr. Carter."

"What?"

"Dr. Carter? Carter? John!"

John's eyes opened and he looked to where the light was shining through the open door. He smiled at Chuny, "Something coming in?"

"Yeah. "

"Alright," Carter swung his legs over the side and followed Chuny down the hall. "What do we got?"


End file.
